more funny stuff about this political, biological, social mess we call the first half of 2020 –

Love the humor — thanks to all of you

When i see some of these i know people are out there in this quarantine alive and doing well.  Ha… Thank you to these anonymous comedians.   Hopefully, Lord willing, I will have the time to assemble it into a freebie pdf. Thanks to all you humorists out there… ha ha. I just keep adding and adding.

•and perhaps the saddest laughable blooper….  Rush Limbaugh first, then and in her own inimitable way, Kellyann Conway said: “This is COVID-19, not COVID-1 folks.”

•When the quarantine is over lets not tell some people.

•Homeschooling: Anyone caught rolling their eyes or talking back will become janitor for the week.

•I thought the reason I didn’t clean the house was because I worked full-time and now that I’m home all day I found out that wasn’t the reason.

• As we enter the second week of lockdown I am thinking of Osama Bin Laden. He was stuck in the house with three wives for 5 years, and I am beginning to think that he called in the Navy Seals himself.

•Until further notice the days of the week are called Thisday, Thatday, Theotherday, Yesterday, Someday, Today and Nextday.

•How am I doing. Well, I just wiped down the container of Lysol wipes with a lysol wipe, everythings fine, everything is fine.

•Someone asks where I think I will be in 5 years. I just want to make it to April 30th.

•Every – please be safe. There is a DUI checkpoint tonight between the kitchen and the hallway.

•If they had just called this the “stay at home challenge” and posted it on facebook, the virus would be gone by now.

•Due to my isolation I finished 3 books yesterday, and believe me that is a lot of coloring.

•And just like that – having a mask, gloves, plastic covering and duct tape in your trunk is OK.

•When we come out of this and I ask you where you want to eat, don’t say “don’t know”, you had 45 days.

•Are you wishing for a long weekend still.

•Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

•Anyone elses car getting 3 weeks to the gallon?

• The good news is that after home schooling my three kids for two months they have all graduated, and are ready to move out after the quarantine lifts.

•Overslept this morning, was late getting to the livingroom.

•Where is the husband – In the garden – I didn’t see him – you need to dig a little.

•The drop in gas prices during this crisis is like a bald man winning a hairbrush.

•Officer yells: Come out with your hands washed.

•No hair salons, tanning salons, nail salons: men are about to meet their spouses for the first time.

•Turns out my three hobbies are: eating in restaurants, going to nonessential businesses and touching my face.

•Grandparents missing their grandkids – when this is over you can have them for the next 6 months.

•Glad I didn’t waste my money buying a planner for 2020.

•Watching a burglar kicking in his own door I asked what he was doing – He replied “working from home”.

• Burglar, asking for unemployment.Reason for the layoff. “Everyone is home”.

•Hormel made their first batch of spam in 1937. The company announced that due to hoarding, they are going to make a second batch.

•Wear a mask inside your home to prevent overeating.

•I feel like i am 16 again, gas is cheap and I am grounded.

•I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

•I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

•Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter —– The Living Room or The Bedroom

•Public Service Announcement: every few days try your jeans on, just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

•Homeschooling is going well. Two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.

•I don’t think anyone expected that — when we changed the clocks — we’d go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

•This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog, … and we laughed a lot.

•So, after this quarantine, … will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me, … or do I find them?

• Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

•My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee, it cleans the toilet.

•Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

•I’m so excited — it’s time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

•I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyardia. I’m getting tired of Los Livingroom.

•Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

•Day 15 of Homeschooling: My child just said “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year.” … … I’m offended.

•Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under

•When does season 2 of 2020 start, season 1 sucks

•Where can I find toilet paper —  Aisle B back

•I went to the bank teller window with a mask on and ask for money.

•How can a virus have the same name as a Mexican beer.

•The American Medical Association has weighed in on the federal government’s COVID-19 strategy:
Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, whereas the Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was schizophrenic, whereas the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter.”
Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pi**ed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out — leaving the entire decision up to the a**holes in Washington