Long time ago, 1968 and 1973, I was pregnant, and ended both pregnancies. Not because I was afraid for myself, not because I didn’t want children, but because I was intimidated by, persuaded by, funded by, my then husband. I was a wimp, a dumb and blind girl, who had no concept of self, no concept of my own strength, no concept of the deed done, and outsmarted in every ridiculous egotistical sense that the young MD that was my boyfriend, then husband, and I knew when life began, and that this was a “non-criminal” act, something perfectly reasonable. Had I heard ONE word from him that it might be a “good” thing to have a child, one even gesture that this was going to work out I never would have had them.
The words that I heard were “this is a disaster” “I am not going to change my lifestyle” how selfish, how without compassion those words were. But worse, was my participation in the erroneous belief that two abortions would not change my own life. I was naive, and duped by the media, and too week and too scared to see it for what it really was.
I don’t know if I have ever forgiven myself or him, and I am truly unnerved by those deeds, one of which was illegal, as it occurred before 1973. One word from my mouth would have ended a medical career (not to worry now, this MD is retired), and it was an event that nearly cost me my life.
The second, I remember getting on an airplane at CVG to fly to New York, and weeping the entire way, even going to the airplane stewardess before the flight took off and asking to get off the plane, but doors were closed and I didn’t push it further. I remember weeping when I arrived in the airport… and as the nurse gave me anesthetic…. what doctor today would continue that procedure… only a quack. I don’t think I have forgiven them either.
So I turned off the sermon by Dr. Ed Young, on abortion today, because I cannot change what I have done, but hope that thousands, millions of young women can listen and learn what NOT to do. I hope too that when the “end of the age” whatever that is, in whatever time space dimension that I can find the two souls that I so rudely took from this life. I ask their forgiveness first and foremost. I ask the forgiveness of El Olam, Jehova Jireh, and beg help forgiving the participants with me.
I don’t understand why that act is way more obhorrent than others of the big 10, but it seems so, perhaps because I can never make restitution verbally or monetarily to the two whom I most clearly destroyed. Lord have mercy on my soul, help me forgive my X.
